Virgin Islanders fear British demands concerning homosexuality, lashings will harm morals ON AN ISLAND WHERE SEXUALITY CAN BE DEEMED CRIMINAL, AND LASHING DEEMED THE SOLUTION
 

Blind youngsters tackle Kilimanjaro MOUNTAINEERS, STEAL THEIR GEAR 'for charity'
 

Bottled Budweiser pulled from European shelves AS MANUFACTURER ADMITS IT TASTES TERRIBLE NEXT TO EVERYTHING PRODUCED IN EUROPE
 

Deadlock remains in Israel-Palestine negotiations despite Albright's intervention WITH 'STRIP ROUTINE DIPLOMACY'
 

Nicaraguan authorities deport 5 alleged French terrorists, BECAUSE NICARAGUA ALREADY HAS ENOUGH OF ITS OWN
 

Japanese create 'sumo-sized' bank, ACCORDING TO JOURNALISTS WHO CANNOT AVOID THE OBVIOUS METAPHOR
 

Russia agrees to discuss U.S. proposal for joint Y2K missile monitoring, AMERICAN OFFICIALS ARE HOPING TO DISCUSS PROPOSAL BEFORE END OF DECEMBER
 

Immigrants' share of poverty rate is growing, study shows, ANGERING KNEEJERK PATRIOTS WHO CLAIM 'POVERTY MUST STAY ON SHOULDERS OF WE AMERICANS'
 

Empty China Airlines jet rolls off Taiwan runway, SUGGESTING A POORLY CONCEIVED ATTEMPT AT COLLECTING INSURANCE MONEY FOR FAULTY BRAKES
 

New Panamanian president pledges efficient administration of Panama, AS WELL AS SENSIBLE USE OF GOVERNMENT DEATH SQUADS
 

Pinochet taken to London hospital, COMPLAINING OF BEING HATED BY THE ENTIRE WORLD
 

At long last, the pill goes on sale in Japan, PROVIDING JAPANESE MEN WITH PERFECT JUSTIFICATION FOR UNPROTECTED SEX
 

SAN JUAN:
Coast Guard seizes 2,000 pounds of cocaine from boat in Caribbean