Justin's Whirled Headlines Issue #55
SEPTEMBER 26, 2000

2000, Justin Thorne




Ousted Peru spy chief seeking asylum in Panama, WHERE HE SHOULD EASILY FIND WORK

Chilean judge orders X-RAY medical tests for ENFEEBLED Pinochet TO SEE IF PINOCHET INADVERTENTLY SWALLOWED THE JUDGE'S 250-DOLLAR FOUNTAIN PEN

China accuses World Bank of meddling in members' politics, WHICH IN CHINA'S CASE 'ONLY INVOLVES A FEW MINOR INSTANCES OF CORRUPTION, MASS EXECUTIONS AND REPRESSION OF POLITICAL MOVEMENTS AND INDIVIDUAL THOUGHT, ANYWAY'

Ten thousand Liberians face deportation from U.S., PROMPT QUESTION, 'HOW DID TEN THOUSAND OF THEM MANAGE TO GET INTO THE COUNTRY BEFORE PEOPLE STARTED NOTICING?'

CITING THREAT OF RASTAFARIAN TERRORISTS, Bush TURNS SPEECH on education INTO INCOHERENT FOREIGN POLICY message PROPOSING to mine THE West INDIES BEforE votes ARE CAST IN NOVEMBER

U.N. mission on Ethiopian-Eritrean border CONSIDERED TO BE off to good start, PRIMARILY BECAUSE NO ONE'S DEAD OR HELD HOSTAGE YET

Turkey pledges to root out rights abuses for EU membership, NOT BECAUSE IT BELIEVES IN THE CONCEPT

Chavez hopes to use OPEC summit to champion world vision: OTHERWISE MARGINAL NATIONS DICTATING GEOPOLITICS BY VIRTUE OF SITTING ATOP THE WORLD'S MAIN ENERGY SUPPLY

U.S. corn growers back Kraft taco shell recall SINCE ALL THE REPLACEMENT TACO SHELLS WILL MADE FROM CORN, TOO

Gore ties Bush to Gingrich 'Assault on Medicare', OPENING UP POSSIBILITY OF BUSH TYING GORE TO CLINTON 'MISUSE OF CIGAR'

Ivorian officials seek to calm ethnic tension WITH AGE-OLD ELIXIR OF FAVORING WHICHEVER SIDE SEEMS TO BE WINNING

Sudan government extends ceasefire for two weeks SO THEY CAN RESTOCK THEIR AMMUNITION

Dengue fever QUICKLY claims 30th victim in El Salvador, THWARTING OFFICE BETTING POOL HASTILY BEING ARRANGED BY CYNICAL U.N. AID WORKERS

Vatican seeks to build religious bridges THAT PEOPLE WILL BE FREE TO CROSS ONCE THEY'VE CONVERTED TO CATHOLICISM

IN THE NAME OF DEMOCRACY, Milosevic forces say election runoff may be necessary BETWEEN MILOSEVIC AND MILOSEVIC