Justin's Whirled Headlines Issue #49
JULY 27, 2000

2000, Justin Thorne




U.N. copes with funding shortfall WITH 'WIN A GAME OF PING-PONG WITH KOFI ANNAN' RAFFLE

Castro leads Cubans in protest of U.S. embargo, THEN RETIRES TO HIS HOME TO ENJOY SOME CONTRABAND BUDWEISER

Dublin sees basis for lasting peace in Northern Ireland CENTERING ON SOMETHING OTHER THAN RELIGION

REALIZING THE POTENTIAL FOR IRRITATION SURROUNDING HIS CHANGE OF TITLE TO 'SUPREME RULER', Peru readies for protests during Fujimori's inauguration

AN INCREASINGLY HIGH-STRUNG Hillary Clinton says HER Palestinian Maid should be cut WITH A RUSTY RAZOR if statehood declared

Opposition seeks to nullify Zimbabwe's election WITH AK-47'S

Mongolian lawmakers elect new prime minister, WHOSE NAME IS FAST BEING FORGOTTEN 'ROUND THE WORLD, IF IT IS KNOWN AT ALL

Warnings needed about contaminated Great Lakes fish THAT ANYONE CAN UNDERSTAND, commission says, RECOMMENDS 10-FOOT TALL SIGNS THAT READ 'FISH - BAD' BE POSTED AT 50-YARD INTERVALS ALONG SHORELINE

Magistrate denies bail for suspects in Hezbollah case, CITING THE POSSIBILITY OF FLIGHT TO BE 'A LITTLE HIGHER THAN AVERAGE'

Sierra Leone official warns dissident fighters to stop harassing civilians, STATING 'THAT'S THE GOVERNMENT'S JOB'

BILL CLINTON PREPARING MEMOIRS, ORDERS SECRETARY Albright to meet with North Korean envoy at summit, GET HIM REALLY DRUNK AND TAKE PICTURES

Former Indonesian president faces corruption charges IN A SUIT GIVEN TO HIM BY A JAKARTA TEXTILE COMPANY AND IN A CAR WHICH HE SOMEHOW 'ACQUIRED' WITHOUT PAYING ANY MONEY FOR

Chief prosecutor of Siberian province killed WHEN HE MAKES THE MISTAKE OF DOING HIS JOB

North Korean leader to visit Russia, REINFORCE HIS STEREOTYPES ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GIVE UP COMMUNISM

Concorde engine repaired just before doomed flight, BUT APPARENTLY NOT VERY WELL