Clinton says 'Nothing I would not do' for Mideast peace, 'EVEN IF IT MEANT I'D BE FORCED TO COMMIT ADULTERY'
 

COLORADO SHOOTING INSPIRES Teen gunman WHO goes on rampage in Germany, WHO IN TURN WILL INSPIRE CRAZY BRAZILIAN TEEN, WHICH WILL LEAD TO SCHOOLYARD GUN PLAY IN AUSTRALIA, ALL TO THE DELIGHT OF A FASCINATED WORLD PRESS
 

India bans baby bottles at pope's stadium mass AT POPE'S INSISTENCE THAT HE CAN MAKE MILK RAIN FROM THE SKY
 

Report: Mandela uncovers plot to discredit him, DEVISES PLOT TO MAKE HIMSELF LOOK GOOD
 

U.S. gives Howard Air Force Base to Panama AFTER TRASHING ALL THE FURNITURE AND DRINKING ALL THE BEER
 

Clinton plans personal appeal to Russia to end Chechnya bombing, 'WHICH WILL INCLUDE PROMISE TO COMMIT ADULTERY, IF NECESSARY'
 

Iraq to receive Vatican team to prepare for pope's visit AND SPECIALLY OUTFIT POPEMOBILE WITH GROUND-TO-AIR MISSILES
 

Hong Kong, Disney said to have reached theme park deal, IN WHICH DISNEY WILL SEIZE CONTROL OF 30% OF LOCAL ECONOMY IN EXCHANGE FOR AGREEING TO EMPLOY LOCAL TEENS AS THE PEOPLE INSIDE THOSE OVERSIZED MICKEY SUITS
 

U.S., Norway announce plan to aid Sierra Leone war victims BY STAYING OUT OF THE CONFLICT, AND CONVINCING NATO TO DO THE SAME
 

China's self-made tycoon pleads innocent in one-day fraud trial, WHICH CONCLUDED WHEN HE BOUGHT OFF THE CHIEF PROSECUTOR AND PRESIDING JUDGE
 

Three Vietnamese AND DISHONEST GHOST arrested over false apparition of Virgin Mary
 

Kosovo Serb leader shot in leg, MOST LIKELY NOT BY ACCIDENT
 

Pakistan's coup leader forms 'accountability bureau', WHICH WILL MAKE THE NEW REGIME 'ACCOUNTABLE' UNDER THE LAWS THAT THE NEW REGIME WRITES