Venezuelan assembly assumes emergency powers MEANS THEY HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO KILL ANYONE THEY LIKE
 

Plans to remake British conservative leader's image made public, RESULTING IN CHUCKLES FROM THE ELECTORATE AS THEY TRY TO GET USED TO WILLIAM HAGUE'S NEW GOATEE
 

U.S. OFFICIALLY requests extradition of Colombian drug lord WHILE THE C.I.A. CONTRIUBUTES MONEY TO HIS DEFENSE FUND
 

Japanese lawmakers OK broader police use of wiretapping, IN A COUNTRY WHERE THE AVERAGE WALL IS LESS THAN 2 INCHES THICK
 

South Korean parliament OKs funds for nuclear reactors in North, AGAINST ALL SANE REASONING
 

Most fighting stops in Congo for polio immunization campaign, BECAUSE AFTER ALL, THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYBODY GETTING KILLED BY DISEASE
 

Two Koreas meet on soccer field as engagement grows, FOCUSED ON THEIR MUTUAL HATRED OF JAPAN
 

'No new back problems for Yeltsin,' doctor says, 'BESIDES, HIS SPLEEN, ARTERIES, RIBS, GALL BLADDER, PHARYNX AND CEREBELLUM ARE KEEPING US BUSY ENOUGH AS IT IS'
 

Two Swedish pensioners die after taking Viagra, GIVING COMEDIANS PERFECT SWEDISH PORN SEGUE JOKE
 

Americana gaining popularity in Francophile Lebanon, IF YOU CAN CALL POPULARITY OF AUTOMATIC ASSAULT WEAPONS 'AMERICANA'
 

China accuses Falun Gong leader of plotting massive protest, SAID TO FOCUS ON CENTRAL GOVERNMENT'S IRRATIONAL PERSECUTION OF RELIGIONS
 

Two Israelis released from Cyprus prison, FIFTEEN PALESTINIANS DETAINED WITHOUT COUNSEL ON WEST BANK
 

Thai police consider ban on imported magazines with soccer odds, CITING EXCESSIVE COMPETITION WITH THE DOMESTIC GAMBLING INDUSTRY