China says 550,000 more WHINY people will be re-located in damN project, SAID TO BE 'GOOD FOR THE NATION, YOU SELFISH BASTARDS!'
 

New-generation Somoza leader anounces Nicaraguan political party creation, AND IS IMMEDIATELY ASSASSINATED
 

Paraguay's congress votes to start impeachment against president CLINTON, AFTER BEING THREATENED WITH LOSS OF U.S. ECONOMIC ASSISTANCE BY REPUBLICANS
 

Indonesian president says East Timor should be given independence THE NEXT TIME A BLIZZARD STRIKES JAKARTA
 

Cyclone 'RonaLD REAGAN' blasts Australia AND PUZZLES MANY WITH ITS NAME
 

Guatemalan 1992 Nobel laureate concedes she included others' accounts OF AFFAIRS WITH BILL CLINTON AND NOT ONLY HER OWN in book
 

U.S. military offers Panama withdrawal plan WHICH INCLUDES PROMISE OF FREE PINEAPPLES TO PENTAGON OFFICIALS
 

Annan says Nigerian-led troops mistreated Sierra Leone civilians BY KILLING SOME OF THEM
 

Poland to join NATO, IN 'WATERBOY' CAPACITY
 

G15 summit finalizes economic proposals, WHICH INCLUDE DEMANDS FOR UNLIMITED FREE RERUNS OF 'MAGNUM P.I.' IN THEIR HOME COUNTRIES
 

Paris official says discovered bones may not be 1961 protesters' remains, BUT THOSE OF MITTERAND'S OTHER 'MISTRESS,' PIERRE
 

Cattle banned from Nigeria's commercial capital AND SENT TO SLUMS WHERE THEY BELONG
 

Cook: Serbs blocking ALL ROADS INTO MEETING SITE AND THOROUGHLY MINING SURROUNDING FOREST PUTTING DAMPER ON Kosovo talks
 

South African tourism up past four years FOLLOWING INEXPLICABLE LACK OF POPULARITY OVER PREVIOUS DECADES
 

Canada to use budget surplus to fund health care, AND REDUCE AVERAGE WAITING TIME IN HOSPITALS TO 6.2 HOURS
 

Foreigners may be asked to write off half of Russia's debt EVERY TIME THEY USE THEIR VISA CARD
 

French ex-premier testifies he didn't delay AIDS screening, HE 'JUST DIDN'T HURRY THAT MUCH'
 

Turkish parliament dissolved WHEN ALLIED PLANES PATROLLING IRAQ'S 'NO-FLY ZONE' ACCIDENTALLY DROP ACID-FILLED BOMB INTENDED FOR BAGHDAD
 

U.S. warplanes bomb targets in northern Iraq WITH LEAFLETS SAYING 'WE'RE SORRY' TO THE FAMILIES OF TURKISH PARLIAMENT MEMBERS
 

Farming endangers Tanzanian wildlife sanctuary, conservationist says, BUT NRA MEMBERS EVEN MORE SO
 

Kofi Annan wraps up U.N. conference on aging BY AGREEING TO BE GIVEN EUTHANASIA IMMEDIATELY
 

India gears up for final push in longtime battle against leprosy BY SECRETLY RESETTLING VICTIMS IN NEIGHBORING PAKISTAN
 

Valentine's Day has mainly Muslim Turkey seeing hearts, flowers AS SIGNS OF SATAN
 

U.S. envoy in China to plan April talks with Koreas, PROVIDED AIRPORT STAFF AT PYONGYANG INT'L AIRPORT HAVEN'T DIED OF STARVATION BY THEN
 

Amid economic woes, Brazilian city attempts to privatize Carnival, SEEKING DIALOGUE WITH MCDONALDS, KODAK, AND COCA-COLA
 

India's prime minister will visit nuclear rival Pakistan next week AND JOIN CONFERENCE ON PAKISTAN'S RAPIDLY INCREASING LEPER COMMUNITY
 

Lack of money could still ground Mir, Russian space chief says, 'BECAUSE MY GOVERNMENT HAS NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL IT'S DOING'
 

Indonesian ship had no permit to carry passengers, SO TO AVOID LITIGATION IT DUMPED ALL PASSENGERS OVERBOARD
 

Iranians celebrate 20th anniversary of Islamic revolution BY DOUBLING REWARD FOR SALMAN RUSHDIE'S DEATH, AND RECLASSIFYING U.S. 'THE DOUBLY GREAT SATAN'
 

German chancellor already cutting back liberal Greens' power BY CALLING THEM 'BUNCH OF PANSIES' ON POPULAR GERMAN TV SHOW
 

Victims of Yemen kidnapping arrive back in Britain ONLY TO HAVE BAGGAGE STOLEN AT HEATHROW
 

Israel's Shin Bet changing its interrogation style, lawyer says, 'TORTURE IS NOW OUR FIRST, BEST OPTION'
 

Search continues for LORNE GREENE, THOUGHT TO BE missing in French Alps avalanche BY ONE CRAZY IDIOT